Shar's Boudoir
Experience
What do you see when you look into a mirror? How do you receive the truth it reveals? Life can bring an unwarranted reality and our understanding can distort that image; an illusion that we create to be able to accept it and not the reality of the truth in who we actually are. And only in truth do we find where we belong undoubtedly.
Everyone wants to be accepted. Everyone has the desire to belong and be understood. That is a void that can only be filled by the embrace of affiliation. It permeates through our humanity. It is not good for one to be alone.
Interview Below
Shar can attest to the great feeling of aloneness and the desire to be accepted. Faced with one of life’s moments in reality, he found himself in a head on collision, not only physically, but one with existential awareness in finding his way on the road to recovery. A triumph over death filled with many turns through depression and courage coupled with frustrations and patience. The road led him to an experience in boudoir photography. This encounter allowed him to finally fulfil what he had been long looking to do.
Unveil the fulfilment in his boudoir experience and the trek that Shar takes to self-discovery, the awareness of who he is, and where he belongs in this interview.
The Interview:
What led your desire to have a boudoir/ nude portrait session?
One of the main reasons I wanted to do it was because I felt rejected by so many people, but mostly rejection from myself. I wanted to do it for myself. I wore clothes not just as a necessity, but because I was afraid of how others saw me. People would clinch whenever they’d see me without a shirt. I felt people would think, “Aw, poor dog has been injured.”
What did they see?
My injuries. The scars and bruises on my body. The stitches from my accident.
What accident? How did it happen?
It was a car accident. Someone was out having fun under the influence of alcohol. We had a head on collision. Most of the injuries came from my seat beat. 85% of my abdominal region was damaged. Mostly from the neck, chest, abs, legs and there was injury to my back as well.
At that moment did you think you were going to die?
From what I do remember, after the accident, I had ringing in my ears and my intestines were on the ground. It began to be hard for me to breath. It felt like I had 600 pounds on my chest. I had little will to live. I wanted to close my eyes. There happened to be a nurse near as the ambulance came. She made me stay awake. She told the EMT that I had to go to hospital now or I wouldn’t make it. They couldn’t find my phone. I started to think about my mother and how I wouldn’t want to feel the pain of losing her, but if I go before her, I thought it’s ok. It was hard to stay conscious. They got me to the hospital. They had cut off all my clothes. I could feel the metal on my back. In the x-ray room there was a mirror and that was the first time I saw my stomach opened. I was so scared. They placed me in a medically induced coma. They removed a good bit of my intestines.
"I had the nerves, but didn't have the guts to do it..."
How did you feel after the accident?
I felt sad, depressed, and suicidal. I wanted to let go and give up multiple times. I wanted to give up because I was so exhausted, but I didn’t because I had a journey that was not finished yet. I wanted to do and get the best out of it before I had to go. When I woke up they told me my mom and brother were coming and my ex- would be there tomorrow.
Describe your healing and recovery process. What was that like?
The main thing for me to accept was that I had to have patience. That was my strongest weakness during my recovery. It required a lot of time to heal mentally and physically. It took so much just to sit on the bed when I wanted to do more. I wanted to go outside. I wanted to do more than just depend on others. I wanted to accomplish more on my own and that was a lot to handle at the moment.
And speaking of patience, the first two months physically was like being a baby again. I had to learn how to walk step by step. At first, they thought I might be paralyzed. My legs were not moving. There were a lot of blood clots in my legs. They never thought I’d be able to walk again. I knew I didn’t want to be in a wheelchair. That’s not how I knew my life to be and I didn’t want to be a burden to others.
"I've finally healed and welcomed myself for who I am."
One thing that helped me to strive harder and not give up was when this nurse came to me one day at the hospital. He said, “Do you see me? I’m fat and you’re complaining that this is hard and you’re skinny. I can barely move my legs because I’m overweight. Lift yourself up and go! You need to start moving right now. Start thinking your legs to move.” That day forward I started to feel my toes; I started moving them more. I imagined my legs to move and they actually did. I had the nerves, but didn’t have the guts to do it because they had put it in my mind that I wasn’t going to be able to walk again.
What would you say was your turning point that motivated you to get beyond your situation? What was the turning point back to “You?”
I hit rock bottom. No one was around. No one needed me. No one wanted to contact me for many reasons. Family wasn’t there. I was alone. And I didn’t know what my next move was. I felt like I needed someone to help me and I relied on others to make decisions for me. And I was done waiting for others and decided to rely on myself.
Before the accident, did you ever want to do a shoot like this?
Yes! I always imagined doing a shoot in Yosemite Park, that’s my dream trip that I’d still like to take, where I would hike up there and take pictures au naturel. I wanted to be one with nature. Back to nature from where we’ve come so to speak.
Was there any hinderance at that point after the accident that kept you from pursuing a shoot like this?
I had not been working for four or five months through recovery and I spent all of my savings to survive, but aside from the financial struggle, first it was acceptance. It was the process of me accepting myself. Accepting myself to acknowledge that my body belongs to me. I wanted to do it now because I’ve finally healed and welcomed myself for who I am. I’m a person. I’m a human being born like anyone else and I just wanted to be seen for myself. I wanted to be naked in front of the photographer, in front of people and not be ashamed of what I looked like from the top to the bottom.
"I felt accepted...I felt incredible...It gave me butterflies."
What made you choose me to be your photographer? Why did you entrust me with this pursuit?
I saw the potential that you could make what I wanted happen. I’d seen some of your work before and thought you’re very talented. You have an amazing eye.
How was your experience during the shoot?
The first few minutes into the shoot I was nervous. I mean a brand new person in my life that knows nothing about me and telling them, “I want this…” And for you to do it for me, I felt accepted and felt your kindness. That eased me. Which I felt said a lot about your character. Anyone could have said, “Ew! No! You disgust me. I don’t do that kind of work.” And you did not and I respect that. The only time it felt weird was the fact in knowing that this was the first time you were going to see my body, but as I started to take my clothes off, I thought like I’m taking the pictures like I wanted at Yosemite Park. I wasn’t nervous the whole time. My nerves went away pretty fast. It seemed as though you didn’t see me as I thought others did. This is who I am. Finally, I am accepted by someone. No reason to be shy of it.
How did you feel that day once the shoot was finished?
Well for one I felt incredible! I was excited to see the work. I was in anticipation for the end results so bad. It gave me butterflies. It was an amazing thing to do and it took a lot of guts.
"...You translated something I wasn't able to...I felt seen the way I wanted."
How did you feel when you finally received your pictures? What did you think about them?
I still go back to them because it’s a reminder that I came from a different country, a different culture, a different mindset, and spoke a different language. I came a long way to be open to accepting myself. It took some time. I struggled with explaining myself. I couldn’t do it.
For example, I went to the dentist. As I was leaving, I began to schedule my next appointment with the receptionist. There was an old Middle Eastern lady from Morocco. I was overhearing her speaking in Arabic struggling to explain to the receptionist that she was in a lot of pain and her teeth needed to be fixed. No one could understand her, but me. So, in my compassion I asked would they like me to translate for her. Long story short I said I would translate for her and we scheduled for her to see the dentist. I asked the lady did she have someone to help her communicate. She said, No. She doesn’t have any children and her husband is old, in a wheelchair, and she was unable to bring him. I gave her my phone number and let her know if she ever needs help translating, I am willing to help. That’s what I did for her and that’s something you’ve done for me. You showed me kindness and you translated something I wasn’t able to in a different language. I felt acknowledged. I finally felt seen in the way I wanted. I was really happy.
It changed my life absolutely. I felt developed and evolved into another person. I’m glad I had the courage to ask you to do something I couldn’t even ask my best friends to do. It is what we’re here to learn and accept ourselves the way we are; with scares, tall, skinny, short, long hair, braces, beard, no beard. I just learned that it’s not all about what I look like, but what’s inside. And I saw it from the pictures. Posting the pictures made me realize I’m more than just a body. I am human and I’ve accepted who I am by just being myself.
"...there is more than what you see in pictures."
What would you say to someone that wants to or is hesitant to do a shoot like this?
If you have the chance to see yourself the way you want to be seen, you should do it and believe it. If you want to take these kinds of pictures, do it. Don’t be ashamed. You are looking at yourself every day. You carry this body with you every day. This is what you look like. You are human no matter what you want to do. If you want to make this choice, make it. Life is short. Show the world what you’ve achieved at a certain time in your life. Inspire the future.
Is there anything else you’d like to add?
I thank you a lot, De’More, for accepting me as I am and taking the best pictures of my life. You’ve made me realize there is more than what you see in pictures. If anyone else would like to experience what I have, you’ll make the right choice to go with De’More.
